I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Randomize
