They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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