god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
time to smoke my breakfast
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Randomize
