I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
