Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
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