hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
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