I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
