Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
