The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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