Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
