haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Randomize
