I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Randomize
