I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
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