Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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