He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
