I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
