who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
