You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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