O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize
