In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Randomize
