Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
