I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
