Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
my shit smells like andre
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
