Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
