i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Randomize
