A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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