remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
