Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Randomize
