go do what you do best...puke behind churches
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
