he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
