if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
