You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
