How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Randomize
