my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
my sisters under your porch take her home
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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