fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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