i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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