Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
