god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
