you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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