I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
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