After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Randomize
