Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
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