I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
