after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
