you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
