If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize
