we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
