It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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