But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
