Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
