he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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