I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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