Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
