remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Randomize
