Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
PANTIES FOUND
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
