you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
