Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Go christen that room with your naked body.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
