were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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