I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
