I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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