my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
My dad just said "fuck circus"
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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