There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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